July 2017: Henry's Angel Day

July 3, 2017 marked two years since Henry passed away.  I've learned that I don't usually breakdown the day of milestones, but before in anticipation.  I had a breakdown on June 30, the stupidest of all days, when I thought my baby was just sick for the first time, aka, the day I feel most guilty about.  It's this day that I feel like if things could have turned out different, if Henry might have lived, it probably would have started with my taking him to the hospital sooner.  I don't usually dwell on this fact that gnawed at my heart and soul and tormented me for months and months anymore, which is quite the testament to how far I've come.  I don't usually find myself culpable anymore, but when this anniversary comes around, those emotions get brought up again.  And it's miserable.  So I had a good cry this day.  And then I cried the night of July 2nd.  The night I held my baby in my arms for the last time and said goodbye until we meet again on the other side.  I still can't believe that actually happened sometimes.  It seems like a bad dream.  The most impossible thing happened.

Enough dwelling on those difficult times.  I have come so far these past two years, which is what I was able to focus on July 3rd.  This second year since Henry's death was one of healing.  The first year was just survival.  Roman has been a huge part of that healing- to hold my own baby in my arms again, to know that I can have a healthy baby that lives past 3.5 months and that it was no fault in my parenting.  I know these things to be true, after all we have a healthy 4 year old, but I still felt anxious.  Roman does not replace Henry in any way, but my heart is now filled with more unconditional love so that fear, sadness, and grief are a smaller proportion within me.  And I have become stronger to carry that grief so it doesn't feel so heavy.

Kurt's parents, the Roths, and the Winsteads all came to Idaho to commemorate with us.  Thank you all for coming!  And thank you everyone who sent rocks to place on his grave.  We love you!

I bought all of us something "elephant" to wear for this day.  It's hard to see, but Roman's onesie is covered with elephants.  Kurt and Hattie each have an elephant on their shirts and my skirt has elephants on it.

Looking through pictures was harder than writing about my emotions!  A picture's worth a thousand words, right?  I think Henry looks so much like Roman in some pictures, and so different in others!  Excuse me, Roman looks like Henry, his big bro!

I know that was a lot of pictures!  Thanks for looking through them.  We love and miss you so much Henry! We hope you're having a good day in heaven!

June 2017: Everyday

First time in a shopping cart!

First time sharing a shopping cart with Hattie!  She wouldn't look at the camera.

Found a way to help him sleep better in the crib- crib wedge to elevate his head and shoulders, and boppy so he feels more secure.  I felt like a genius figuring this out.  He still doesn't sleep great, but I'm not sure why.  Doesn't matter if he's in his crib, bassinet, or in bed with us he still only sleeps for a few hours at most and then wakes up every 2 before or after that stretch.  I am very tired.

I wish I had more pictures (of Hattie), but we bought a shrinky dinks jewelry kit that was on clearance.  We had fun making rings and bracelets! Even though the rings are way too big for a little girl.

We got a free bike trailer and Kurt started training for a triathalon!  I'm so proud of how hard he's work to lose weight and be healthy.

Day at the park:

Awesome morning hair!

At the Ogden Botanical Gardens!

I lost my Costco card and needed to get a new one.  Hattie got to be in the picture!  She was so excited.  And now it's not my card, but ours (Hattie will correct me).

Father's Day cards!

Roman driving a car!

Hattie loves to get in Roman's crib with him.

Hattie pushing Roman in the swing!

One of the rocks I made for Henry's Angel Day.  Rocks to Remember (and Blue for Birthday).

Trying on her outfit for Henry's Angel Day!

She made herself Nutella toast!  She's getting so big and independent.

He loves the swing!

Hattie trying to feed Roman.  It wasn't very successful, but it was entertaining!

I made this onesie while I was pregnant with Henry.  So glad it can finally be worn!  Also, Roman loves yogurt.

Roman and the girls.  He's way out numbered when his cousins come over.

Awesome slip'n'slide at Brook and Keiths!

My friend Sarah from college and her husband David went to Nashville and ate at a restaurant called Hattie B's!  So they sent Hattie B a shirt.  How awesome is this!!!!!

This onesie was made by the YW in my ward when they threw a baby shower for me while prego with Henry.  Again, I'm so glad these onesies finally get to be worn!  Also, Aly knows me so well to make me a Harry Potter onesie!

I am super proud of this rock I painted for Henry!  It took forever and a lot of patience, but I think it turned out well.  The black lines are sharpie, which smudged after I sprayed on the new weather proofing spray I bought just for the rocks we painted for Henry.  I was so mad!  It still looks ok, but not as good as before.