A Life of Charity: July 2017: Henry's Angel Day

July 3, 2017 marked two years since Henry passed away. I've learned that I don't usually breakdown the day of milestones, but before in anticipation. I had a breakdown on June 30, the stupidest of all days, when I thought my baby was just sick for the first time, aka, the day I feel most guilty about. It's this day that I feel like if things could have turned out different, if Henry might have lived, it probably would have started with my taking him to the hospital sooner. I don't usually dwell on this fact that gnawed at my heart and soul and tormented me for months and months anymore, which is quite the testament to how far I've come. I don't usually find myself culpable anymore, but when this anniversary comes around, those emotions get brought up again. And it's miserable. So I had a good cry this day. And then I cried the night of July 2nd. The night I held my baby in my arms for the last time and said goodbye until we meet again on the other side. I still can't believe that actually happened sometimes. It seems like a bad dream. The most impossible thing happened.

Enough dwelling on those difficult times. I have come so far these past two years, which is what I was able to focus on July 3rd. This second year since Henry's death was one of healing. The first year was just survival. Roman has been a huge part of that healing- to hold my own baby in my arms again, to know that I can have a healthy baby that lives past 3.5 months and that it was no fault in my parenting. I know these things to be true, after all we have a healthy 4 year old, but I still felt anxious. Roman does not replace Henry in any way, but my heart is now filled with more unconditional love so that fear, sadness, and grief are a smaller proportion within me. And I have become stronger to carry that grief so it doesn't feel so heavy.

Kurt's parents, the Roths, and the Winsteads all came to Idaho to commemorate with us. Thank you all for coming! And thank you everyone who sent rocks to place on his grave. We love you!

I bought all of us something "elephant" to wear for this day. It's hard to see, but Roman's onesie is covered with elephants. Kurt and Hattie each have an elephant on their shirts and my skirt has elephants on it.

Looking through pictures was harder than writing about my emotions! A picture's worth a thousand words, right? I think Henry looks so much like Roman in some pictures, and so different in others! Excuse me, Roman looks like Henry, his big bro!